We sat down and asked Sandi Kistner all of the anonymous questions
from our 2024 conference.
Here is what she had to say!
1. What comes first? Intimacy or the need for sleep?
Keep in mind that sometimes being intimate can allow you to sleep even more. But also, if you are fully exhausted give them hope another day.
2. How do I keep from feeling defeated when I am exhausted from working all day, taking care of my kid and then expected to have a clean house....I can't keep a clean house....so many years now of failure and fighting about it.
Express to your partner that because you both work, as co parents and co contributors to the household, if you work as a team it could be easier. Express that you need help. It is not physically possible for one person to do everything alone.
Give yourself grace, there are only 24 hours in a day. Prioritize collectively what's important to both you and your spouse. Keep in mind, healthy conflict (use the 3 C’s from the conference)
3. How do you best support your spouse who is dealing with a chronic illness without trying to “fix” them?
First, listen and be compassionate and understanding. Sometimes, your spouse just wants to be heard. Showing empathy and understanding can go a long way and might be all they need.
Ask them, “If there is anything I can do that would be helpful for you?”
(asking instead of telling or offering)
4. After long days of not feeling respected at work, how do I communicate with my wife that I’m not feeling respected at home and it’s hard for me to be lovey dovey?
First and foremost, respect is earned. You might check to see if there is any unresolved conflict in either yours or your spouse's heart. Statistically, this is one of the reasons why there can be disrespect. Secondly, give an example of when she has shown or given respect) and tell her how much it means when she does those things.
Thirdly, the more a woman feels loved, the more respect she shows and vice versa.
5. My husband is constantly on social media and considering how the world is today and what’s on those platforms, I feel uncomfortable with what he’s seeing. How do we talk about how it makes me feel and him not feel like I’m parenting him?
Using the 3 C’s approach will help you share as a partner and it won't come across like you are parenting him. Approach it gently. “What concerns me about you being on social media so much is that you will be exposed to things that would cause temptation.” And then decide as a couple, what boundaries you can agree on to protect the integrity of your marriage.
6. How can I better communicate with my wife when I don’t really like talking that much?
Not talking is not an option if you want a happy and healthy marriage. Any relationship requires communication on every level: household, jobs, parenting, vacations, etc.
7. It’s hard for me to discuss things that bother me because I tend to get emotional when I do. I feel bad because I never want my partner to feel like they are in the wrong because I am “hurt” when it is just hard for me to communicate without feeling “big feelings” and crying. Do you have any advice on how to communicate without getting those big feelings involved?
#1 Pray over the conversation before it begins and ask that your emotions line up with The Word of God and for The Lord to help you articulate your words with wisdom and discernment. #2 If you do get sensitive, it's okay, take a breath and start again. You can also assure him that it's not him, but you.
Keep in mind that sometimes being intimate can allow you to sleep even more. But also, if you are fully exhausted give them hope another day.
2. How do I keep from feeling defeated when I am exhausted from working all day, taking care of my kid and then expected to have a clean house....I can't keep a clean house....so many years now of failure and fighting about it.
Express to your partner that because you both work, as co parents and co contributors to the household, if you work as a team it could be easier. Express that you need help. It is not physically possible for one person to do everything alone.
Give yourself grace, there are only 24 hours in a day. Prioritize collectively what's important to both you and your spouse. Keep in mind, healthy conflict (use the 3 C’s from the conference)
3. How do you best support your spouse who is dealing with a chronic illness without trying to “fix” them?
First, listen and be compassionate and understanding. Sometimes, your spouse just wants to be heard. Showing empathy and understanding can go a long way and might be all they need.
Ask them, “If there is anything I can do that would be helpful for you?”
(asking instead of telling or offering)
4. After long days of not feeling respected at work, how do I communicate with my wife that I’m not feeling respected at home and it’s hard for me to be lovey dovey?
First and foremost, respect is earned. You might check to see if there is any unresolved conflict in either yours or your spouse's heart. Statistically, this is one of the reasons why there can be disrespect. Secondly, give an example of when she has shown or given respect) and tell her how much it means when she does those things.
Thirdly, the more a woman feels loved, the more respect she shows and vice versa.
5. My husband is constantly on social media and considering how the world is today and what’s on those platforms, I feel uncomfortable with what he’s seeing. How do we talk about how it makes me feel and him not feel like I’m parenting him?
Using the 3 C’s approach will help you share as a partner and it won't come across like you are parenting him. Approach it gently. “What concerns me about you being on social media so much is that you will be exposed to things that would cause temptation.” And then decide as a couple, what boundaries you can agree on to protect the integrity of your marriage.
6. How can I better communicate with my wife when I don’t really like talking that much?
Not talking is not an option if you want a happy and healthy marriage. Any relationship requires communication on every level: household, jobs, parenting, vacations, etc.
7. It’s hard for me to discuss things that bother me because I tend to get emotional when I do. I feel bad because I never want my partner to feel like they are in the wrong because I am “hurt” when it is just hard for me to communicate without feeling “big feelings” and crying. Do you have any advice on how to communicate without getting those big feelings involved?
#1 Pray over the conversation before it begins and ask that your emotions line up with The Word of God and for The Lord to help you articulate your words with wisdom and discernment. #2 If you do get sensitive, it's okay, take a breath and start again. You can also assure him that it's not him, but you.
1. I think my husband is a little too friendly with the opposite sex at work. How do I tell him it makes me uncomfortable when I know he’s not doing it on purpose?
Being friendly often can be misconstrued as being “flirtatious” for both sexes. Because you know your husband is not doing this intentionally, bringing awareness will help protect him and the marriage. Provide examples so he understands why his unintentional actions can come across as flirting. Ex. Winking, touching their shoulder or hand, touching their lower back, etc.
2. I am quick to forget what was said during an argument, but when I deny what my husband claims that I said or did because I don't recall it the same way as him - I am accused of gaslighting.
Is this true?
During a heated argument it is best to take a moment and pause the conversation to repeat what the other spouse said to ensure what is being shared is being understood correctly. Ex. “I understood you to say..?” This will allow them to clarify or confirm what they have said. Repeat this process until it is resolved. This leads to more clarity for both spouses and less likely for misunderstandings later.
3. My husband and I have agreed to “fight fair" by ruling out things we would never do in an argument. However, when arguments happen, He is quick to disregard those conversations and react however he feels like knowing he can apologize for it later. How can we better incorporate these guidelines of "fighting fair"?
It is great that you have set boundaries for healthy conflict. Sticking to the 3 C’s will be beneficial in sticking to your boundaries even when things get heated. If you still find yourself in a heated position and your boundaries begin to break, that is your cue to take a break from the conversation and revisit it. It is important that both parties agree to this before an argument ensues. Ex. “If any rule is breached, we will take a break.”
4. I have presented marital counseling with an unbiased third party to my husband. I think it would be good routine maintenance for our relationship and would help having someone else to deliver wise counsel into the breakdowns in our communication, but my husband refuses. What should I do?
It is not uncommon for most husbands to not want to go to counseling, they are fixers by nature. Share that it is not about you all being broken, but wanting to learn tools that ensure the marriage stays happy, healthy, and strong. Just like any corporation that hires keynote speakers to enhance their company's performance. And share that your heart is to do the same for your marriage.
5. How do you help your wife understand that you really didn’t put as much thought into a dumb decision as she is making it out to be?
As true as that may be, for her to think that there is an issue, tells you how important that decision was to her. By her bringing it to your attention, reveals to you that it is bringing her some level of stress and that she wants to be a part of making those decisions.
Come up with a plan that works for you both where you don't feel restricted/controlled and she doesn't feel stressed.
6. What is your communication advice for the spouse who normally avoids conflict and suppresses their feelings because they feel dismissed when they do express their thoughts and concerns?
This question indicates that you are feeling shut down and not heard. It is important to share how you feel, you might try this: “I would like to share my heart, feelings, thoughts.. It would mean a lot if you would hear me out”.
The best way to approach this is by affirming and sharing.
Affirm: different times when they did listen to you and how important it was to you.
Share: what you are currently wanting to discuss with them.
7. When you ask to understand, but they take it as criticizing or attacking, what’s next?
You can repeat the question. You can say, “I love and I care about you and I really do want to hear your heart, your thoughts, and your feelings. Help me understand what I said that upset or hurt you ” And if they take it negatively, you repeat the first part, “I love you and I care about you…”
8. Anxiety was introduced into our relationship due to broken trust in the past. We’ve worked through it extensively; however, if I feel anxious for any reason, I still associate feeling anxiety with “is he okay and are we okay”? What is the best way to break that association?
Be honest and share with your spouse how you are feeling, don't be afraid to revisit the conversation using the 3 C’s method. This helps gain reassurance that this is not what it was before. It is the “looks like.. smells like.. but it’s not.” This is the only way to break the cycle.
9. Why do I constantly feel like my wife could care less and doesn’t appreciate anything or respect me for the man that I am and what I strive towards on a daily basis.. a lot of days I feel like she hates me.. the way she looks at me and rolls her eyes towards me if I try to tell her something if looks could kill I’d be out of here!!
If you want things to change and you want her to know how you feel, it is necessary to have the hard conversation. Let her know how much that hurts/sting upsets you. This is asking questions to seek to understand. Ex. “Babe, can you please share with me things I have said or done to have you treating me this way? It makes me feel….”
10. Sometimes my spouse feels like I am belittling him in the way I am speaking but I don’t feel like I have that attitude, how can I not come across like that or how can I get the understanding across that I’m not purposely trying to come across that way?
Be very aware of your tone and facial expressions. Oftentimes, they don't reflect what we are trying to say and can come across as parenting, especially to our husbands. And if you heart truly is not to parent your husband, give him permission to bring it to your attention the next time he feels you are parenting him.
Being friendly often can be misconstrued as being “flirtatious” for both sexes. Because you know your husband is not doing this intentionally, bringing awareness will help protect him and the marriage. Provide examples so he understands why his unintentional actions can come across as flirting. Ex. Winking, touching their shoulder or hand, touching their lower back, etc.
2. I am quick to forget what was said during an argument, but when I deny what my husband claims that I said or did because I don't recall it the same way as him - I am accused of gaslighting.
Is this true?
During a heated argument it is best to take a moment and pause the conversation to repeat what the other spouse said to ensure what is being shared is being understood correctly. Ex. “I understood you to say..?” This will allow them to clarify or confirm what they have said. Repeat this process until it is resolved. This leads to more clarity for both spouses and less likely for misunderstandings later.
3. My husband and I have agreed to “fight fair" by ruling out things we would never do in an argument. However, when arguments happen, He is quick to disregard those conversations and react however he feels like knowing he can apologize for it later. How can we better incorporate these guidelines of "fighting fair"?
It is great that you have set boundaries for healthy conflict. Sticking to the 3 C’s will be beneficial in sticking to your boundaries even when things get heated. If you still find yourself in a heated position and your boundaries begin to break, that is your cue to take a break from the conversation and revisit it. It is important that both parties agree to this before an argument ensues. Ex. “If any rule is breached, we will take a break.”
4. I have presented marital counseling with an unbiased third party to my husband. I think it would be good routine maintenance for our relationship and would help having someone else to deliver wise counsel into the breakdowns in our communication, but my husband refuses. What should I do?
It is not uncommon for most husbands to not want to go to counseling, they are fixers by nature. Share that it is not about you all being broken, but wanting to learn tools that ensure the marriage stays happy, healthy, and strong. Just like any corporation that hires keynote speakers to enhance their company's performance. And share that your heart is to do the same for your marriage.
5. How do you help your wife understand that you really didn’t put as much thought into a dumb decision as she is making it out to be?
As true as that may be, for her to think that there is an issue, tells you how important that decision was to her. By her bringing it to your attention, reveals to you that it is bringing her some level of stress and that she wants to be a part of making those decisions.
Come up with a plan that works for you both where you don't feel restricted/controlled and she doesn't feel stressed.
6. What is your communication advice for the spouse who normally avoids conflict and suppresses their feelings because they feel dismissed when they do express their thoughts and concerns?
This question indicates that you are feeling shut down and not heard. It is important to share how you feel, you might try this: “I would like to share my heart, feelings, thoughts.. It would mean a lot if you would hear me out”.
The best way to approach this is by affirming and sharing.
Affirm: different times when they did listen to you and how important it was to you.
Share: what you are currently wanting to discuss with them.
7. When you ask to understand, but they take it as criticizing or attacking, what’s next?
You can repeat the question. You can say, “I love and I care about you and I really do want to hear your heart, your thoughts, and your feelings. Help me understand what I said that upset or hurt you ” And if they take it negatively, you repeat the first part, “I love you and I care about you…”
8. Anxiety was introduced into our relationship due to broken trust in the past. We’ve worked through it extensively; however, if I feel anxious for any reason, I still associate feeling anxiety with “is he okay and are we okay”? What is the best way to break that association?
Be honest and share with your spouse how you are feeling, don't be afraid to revisit the conversation using the 3 C’s method. This helps gain reassurance that this is not what it was before. It is the “looks like.. smells like.. but it’s not.” This is the only way to break the cycle.
9. Why do I constantly feel like my wife could care less and doesn’t appreciate anything or respect me for the man that I am and what I strive towards on a daily basis.. a lot of days I feel like she hates me.. the way she looks at me and rolls her eyes towards me if I try to tell her something if looks could kill I’d be out of here!!
If you want things to change and you want her to know how you feel, it is necessary to have the hard conversation. Let her know how much that hurts/sting upsets you. This is asking questions to seek to understand. Ex. “Babe, can you please share with me things I have said or done to have you treating me this way? It makes me feel….”
10. Sometimes my spouse feels like I am belittling him in the way I am speaking but I don’t feel like I have that attitude, how can I not come across like that or how can I get the understanding across that I’m not purposely trying to come across that way?
Be very aware of your tone and facial expressions. Oftentimes, they don't reflect what we are trying to say and can come across as parenting, especially to our husbands. And if you heart truly is not to parent your husband, give him permission to bring it to your attention the next time he feels you are parenting him.
1. My husband seems to never take initiative except for at work. How do I encourage him to do it at home with the kids and me?
This goes back to having the 3 C’s conversation.
First I would encourage you to ask questions and find out why he doesn't show initiative in the home. Could it be that he is exhausted at work? Could it be that he feels like it is your duty? Could it be that he doesn't know it is an expectation that you have?
Secondly, you would sit down and share your heart of how helpful it would be if you had his assistance around the house with cooking or cleaning and his involvement with the kids. Be specific in the area you're wanting him to be more engaged in and how.
2. We are a blended family. My husband shared with me a moral failure and addiction that occurred before we were married. My response was not good. 25 years later, I still don’t feel like he trusts me with his feelings or struggles. How do I demonstrate that he can and that I have become a secure enough person to handle it? Our grown son is getting ready to get married and really struggles to “share” very personal things with his fiance.
Affirm different times that he has shared something personal and how much that meant to you, how close you felt to him, and how much that meant to you that he trusted you and that could be there for him. That by nature, is going to help him see that he can trust you.
Secondly, don't assume but ask him, “I feel sometimes that you are still holding back, can you tell me if that is true?”
3. How can I truly empower my husband to live up to the incredible potential I see in him?
Affirm, affirm, affirm. Rewarded behavior gets repeated. No one's voice is louder or more impactful than our spouse. You affirming all the things you see in him, every time, will empower and encourage him to continue to be all he is and who God created him to be.
4. How do you help your child with self love when you struggle with it yourself?
By learning how to love yourself, and accept yourself for all the beautiful qualities you have is a good start. So pay attention to all the positive things that people recognize and share with you, and repeat those to build up your self confidence.
5. I came from a critical home—parented by fear and anger.
What are some tips to not steal the joy from my own home while still providing structure? (With small children)
First and foremost on a practical level, you have to re-learn a healthy way to parent. Read books, go to counseling, and find someone you admire and look up to. That will teach you new ways to parent.
On a spiritual level, turn to the word (Matt. 18:18) Bind the spirit of fear and anger that was instilled in you growing up and loose the power of love and grace. Everyday, by using the practical tools, you are breaking the negative cycle and creating a new positive one.
6. My husband constantly undermines me in front of the kids.
This will never work for you, the husband, the marriage, or the kids.
The best way to address it is for the two of you to establish house rules by using the 3 C’s of communication. Establishing ahead of time reduces disagreements, tension, and turmoil in the family. It sets clear expectations for all. If there is a disagreement in front of the kids, it is best to wait and address it in private. And then repeat the process until you come up with a solution until it works.
7. My husband and I have struggled with infertility for many years. We are surrounded by immediate family that take the blessing of having children for granted. How do we (my husband and I) not let our struggle interfere with our love for those that have what we long for and take it for granted.
Keeping a vertical focus versus a horizontal focus certainly helps. What I mean by that is, is getting into the word and reminding yourself of the promises of God. It is also giving yourself grace to feel hurt, disappointed, and angry. This is the 3 P’s: pause, feel all of your emotions and feelings, and then pivot to The Word.
This is applicable for desiring children. Financial breakthrough, and the hope of a spouse.
8. My wife and I don’t have children yet but we love our alone time together so much, we are scared to lose each other when we bring babies into the equation.
Just as God helped you to adjust from single life to married life, He will give you the same grace to transition to being married with children. Because you have created a habit of making each other a priority it will continue when you have children, you will just have to protect it more.
9. Our arguments stem from parenting. We both come from different backgrounds. How can we find common ground with parenting and not fighting every time we have a disagreement about our kids?
As a couple, it is imperative you have to sit down and establish household rules. Ex. “In this house we will ________”. This sets clear expectations for the parents and the kids.
Clear expectations lead to peace.
10. What is a healthy way to correct/discipline highly emotional outbursts and diffuse the situation so it doesn't throw the whole household into a chaotic state?
If this is a tantrum or an emotional crying fit, asking the child what it is that is upsetting them in that moment, is the first step, showing love and concern. If they can’t answer you, you might encourage them to take a few minutes by themselves in their room, to think about it and then come back and share. So you are not shutting them down or discounting their feelings. You are teaching them that it is okay to have feelings and teaching them how to self regulate.
11. My husband’s parents do not see the value in attending church, they are no longer plugged in and involved and have not attempted to get connected to a church since Covid. This concerns me for our child, especially as our child gets older. I want my child’s grandparents to be a good spiritual influence and value devotion and relationship with Jesus personally and corporately. How do my husband and I navigate this journey?
First of all, the parents have the greatest influence. Especially the father, when it comes to the spiritual walk. Second of all, we have to exist within real world not wish world. Meaning, you may want the grandparents to be a good spiritual influence, but if they are not, they are not. And you have to accept that reality. We cannot control another person's control.
12. What’s the best thing to help you contain your composure with your kids? Sometimes they drive me insane. (male)
You have to consider that they are children. Kids act out, they are demanding, and immature, they are growing and learning. With that said, the more established household rules you have in your home, will make it easier. But on the occasion where you just need a break, (and that’s okay) go take a break. It is like giving yourself an adult time-out. This is better than losing your temper and doing and or saying something that you will crush your child’s spirit and that you would regret.
13. When trust is broken through infidelity, what are the steps to rebuilding trust?
This is a very complex situation that requires a lot of patience, forgiveness, and professional counseling. It takes complete commitment to the process from both parties working on the healing of the relationship. By going to professional counseling you are getting to the root of the issue where things went sideways.
Then and only then can true healing take place.
14. How would you advise a wife to have a conversation with her husband about spending time with "friends" that do not sharpen or edify him?
Share with a loving heart your concerns about the possible negative influence it might be having on him, if there are any. Once we see that there is a negative influence, encourage him to reevaluate the friendship. “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.”
15. My husband tends to be harder on our son in all aspects and it causes a disconnect between us as parents. I’ve expressed my concerns in the past and things have remained the same.
Any advice on how to help him understand the impact it is having on their father/son relationship?
Boys do have to be parented different than girls. Unless your concern is mental, emotional, or physical abuse, encourage him to get a book on relationships between fathers and sons, this might help. Encourage him to do fun things with your son. Ex. hunting, fishing, throwing a ball, playing games, etc.
This goes back to having the 3 C’s conversation.
First I would encourage you to ask questions and find out why he doesn't show initiative in the home. Could it be that he is exhausted at work? Could it be that he feels like it is your duty? Could it be that he doesn't know it is an expectation that you have?
Secondly, you would sit down and share your heart of how helpful it would be if you had his assistance around the house with cooking or cleaning and his involvement with the kids. Be specific in the area you're wanting him to be more engaged in and how.
2. We are a blended family. My husband shared with me a moral failure and addiction that occurred before we were married. My response was not good. 25 years later, I still don’t feel like he trusts me with his feelings or struggles. How do I demonstrate that he can and that I have become a secure enough person to handle it? Our grown son is getting ready to get married and really struggles to “share” very personal things with his fiance.
Affirm different times that he has shared something personal and how much that meant to you, how close you felt to him, and how much that meant to you that he trusted you and that could be there for him. That by nature, is going to help him see that he can trust you.
Secondly, don't assume but ask him, “I feel sometimes that you are still holding back, can you tell me if that is true?”
3. How can I truly empower my husband to live up to the incredible potential I see in him?
Affirm, affirm, affirm. Rewarded behavior gets repeated. No one's voice is louder or more impactful than our spouse. You affirming all the things you see in him, every time, will empower and encourage him to continue to be all he is and who God created him to be.
4. How do you help your child with self love when you struggle with it yourself?
By learning how to love yourself, and accept yourself for all the beautiful qualities you have is a good start. So pay attention to all the positive things that people recognize and share with you, and repeat those to build up your self confidence.
5. I came from a critical home—parented by fear and anger.
What are some tips to not steal the joy from my own home while still providing structure? (With small children)
First and foremost on a practical level, you have to re-learn a healthy way to parent. Read books, go to counseling, and find someone you admire and look up to. That will teach you new ways to parent.
On a spiritual level, turn to the word (Matt. 18:18) Bind the spirit of fear and anger that was instilled in you growing up and loose the power of love and grace. Everyday, by using the practical tools, you are breaking the negative cycle and creating a new positive one.
6. My husband constantly undermines me in front of the kids.
This will never work for you, the husband, the marriage, or the kids.
The best way to address it is for the two of you to establish house rules by using the 3 C’s of communication. Establishing ahead of time reduces disagreements, tension, and turmoil in the family. It sets clear expectations for all. If there is a disagreement in front of the kids, it is best to wait and address it in private. And then repeat the process until you come up with a solution until it works.
7. My husband and I have struggled with infertility for many years. We are surrounded by immediate family that take the blessing of having children for granted. How do we (my husband and I) not let our struggle interfere with our love for those that have what we long for and take it for granted.
Keeping a vertical focus versus a horizontal focus certainly helps. What I mean by that is, is getting into the word and reminding yourself of the promises of God. It is also giving yourself grace to feel hurt, disappointed, and angry. This is the 3 P’s: pause, feel all of your emotions and feelings, and then pivot to The Word.
This is applicable for desiring children. Financial breakthrough, and the hope of a spouse.
8. My wife and I don’t have children yet but we love our alone time together so much, we are scared to lose each other when we bring babies into the equation.
Just as God helped you to adjust from single life to married life, He will give you the same grace to transition to being married with children. Because you have created a habit of making each other a priority it will continue when you have children, you will just have to protect it more.
9. Our arguments stem from parenting. We both come from different backgrounds. How can we find common ground with parenting and not fighting every time we have a disagreement about our kids?
As a couple, it is imperative you have to sit down and establish household rules. Ex. “In this house we will ________”. This sets clear expectations for the parents and the kids.
Clear expectations lead to peace.
10. What is a healthy way to correct/discipline highly emotional outbursts and diffuse the situation so it doesn't throw the whole household into a chaotic state?
If this is a tantrum or an emotional crying fit, asking the child what it is that is upsetting them in that moment, is the first step, showing love and concern. If they can’t answer you, you might encourage them to take a few minutes by themselves in their room, to think about it and then come back and share. So you are not shutting them down or discounting their feelings. You are teaching them that it is okay to have feelings and teaching them how to self regulate.
11. My husband’s parents do not see the value in attending church, they are no longer plugged in and involved and have not attempted to get connected to a church since Covid. This concerns me for our child, especially as our child gets older. I want my child’s grandparents to be a good spiritual influence and value devotion and relationship with Jesus personally and corporately. How do my husband and I navigate this journey?
First of all, the parents have the greatest influence. Especially the father, when it comes to the spiritual walk. Second of all, we have to exist within real world not wish world. Meaning, you may want the grandparents to be a good spiritual influence, but if they are not, they are not. And you have to accept that reality. We cannot control another person's control.
12. What’s the best thing to help you contain your composure with your kids? Sometimes they drive me insane. (male)
You have to consider that they are children. Kids act out, they are demanding, and immature, they are growing and learning. With that said, the more established household rules you have in your home, will make it easier. But on the occasion where you just need a break, (and that’s okay) go take a break. It is like giving yourself an adult time-out. This is better than losing your temper and doing and or saying something that you will crush your child’s spirit and that you would regret.
13. When trust is broken through infidelity, what are the steps to rebuilding trust?
This is a very complex situation that requires a lot of patience, forgiveness, and professional counseling. It takes complete commitment to the process from both parties working on the healing of the relationship. By going to professional counseling you are getting to the root of the issue where things went sideways.
Then and only then can true healing take place.
14. How would you advise a wife to have a conversation with her husband about spending time with "friends" that do not sharpen or edify him?
Share with a loving heart your concerns about the possible negative influence it might be having on him, if there are any. Once we see that there is a negative influence, encourage him to reevaluate the friendship. “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.”
15. My husband tends to be harder on our son in all aspects and it causes a disconnect between us as parents. I’ve expressed my concerns in the past and things have remained the same.
Any advice on how to help him understand the impact it is having on their father/son relationship?
Boys do have to be parented different than girls. Unless your concern is mental, emotional, or physical abuse, encourage him to get a book on relationships between fathers and sons, this might help. Encourage him to do fun things with your son. Ex. hunting, fishing, throwing a ball, playing games, etc.
1. In regards to marriage after infidelity - How can you rebuild trust and intimacy with that spouse if the incident(s) are never discussed?
You need counseling. Period.
This is a very complex situation that requires a lot of patience, forgiveness, and professional counseling. It takes complete commitment to the process from both parties working on the healing of the relationship. By going to professional counseling you are getting to the root of the issue where things went sideways.
Then and only then can true healing take place.
2. How do you find balance between one spouse having a lower sex drive than the other?
Examples:
a. Feeling awkward telling my wife or husband I want more sex.
b. My partner is expecting more sex, but I think we have it often enough.
Physically, go to the doctor and check for vitamin and hormone deficiencies. Ex. hormonal imbalances like testosterone and estrogen, possible thyroid issues, or vitamin deficiencies.
a. Push past the awkwardness and just have the conversation. You are already being intimate, you are just sharing your desire for more. Additionally, try flirting and coming on to your partner. Ex. steaming texts, flirty phone calls, wearing something they like. And of course, timing is always important.
b. When you are married you are no longer me but a we. Both parties need to be considered when having this discussion and both of you come up with something you can agree on. 3 C’s: communicate your needs, consider the other person, and compromise on a solution you both agree upon.
3. How do I express what I like and what I'm wanting in sex to my husband?
Rewarded behaviors get repeated. If it feels good, tell him. If you prefer something different, tell him. Clear communication in the bedroom is just as important as out of the bedroom. Have fun with it and then read the book, “Sexual Intimacy in Marriage.”
4. I struggle with low sex drive - here today gone for 2 or 3 weeks.. during those weeks of no sex drive my wife is very quick to accuse me of watching porn or pleasuring myself.. How can I communicate to her that she and our girls are what I live for?
First of all, go to the doctor and check for vitamin and hormone deficiencies. Ex. hormonal imbalances like testosterone and estrogen, possible thyroid issues, or vitamin deficiencies.
It is common for a wife, especially, to wonder why her husband doesn't want intimacy. With that said, if you are not pleasuring yourself or watching porn, you can only assure her with sincere genuineness that you are not. It is up to her to believe it or not. You might consider exploring different ways to spice up your sex life, this might help you both.
5. What is the best way to pursue my husband and us find time to have sex that doesn’t feel like checking a box after long days and dealing with kids?
First of all, it might actually be scheduled and just be okay with that. Because with a growing family, demands are high and you adjust accordingly. However, you can still keep it spicy by taking advantage of those impromptu moments, when they arise.
6. How can I best honor my wife when we are in public and there are women dressed in inappropriate clothes? I want her to feel like the most beautiful woman in the room.
Husband of the year award! Eyes down, pull her closer, pay her a compliment. This affirms to her that she is the most important person to you. This is applicable when you are watching a movie.
7. My wife is constantly comparing herself to other women on social media and then feels small and lesser than. Then assumes I don’t think she’s sexy and hot, because how could I when there’s all these other women that are “prettier.” How do I encourage her that I truly see her as the most gorgeous woman on the planet and she believe me?
Being that your voice is the loudest, most important, and impactful to her; find all of the ways to affirm to her when you find her sexy, attractive, beautiful, pretty, etc. (all the words) You might encourage her to get off social media and seek professional counseling to build up her self confidence and get to the root of her insecurities.
8. How do I get him to understand how important foreplay is for me?
Men are microwaves and women are ovens, we need to be preheated. Men are visual and have immediate stimulation. Women's anatomy must have foreplay in order for the blood supply to get her primed for intercourse, making it more pleasurable for you both. (lubricants can also help)
9. I know my husband is looking at inappropriate stuff on social media and I’m pretty sure porn. Our connection and sex life has been cold for years, and I’m miserable and feel unseen. What do I do next?
You have to address it head on by having the hard conversation. Call it what it is, share exactly what you shared in your question. If you want an honest answer and to work toward solution, approach it with love, no judgment, criticism or shaming statements. Because of the longevity of this issue, it is highly suggested to get professional counseling.
10. I watched some porn to get ideas of how to spice up the bedroom for my husband, and now I find myself watching it often when he’s at work. What do I do now?
First we have to recognize that “innocently looking for ideas” is the hook of the enemy and where the addiction begins. It is best to have that hard conversation with your husband because anything hidden in the dark will grow. The Word tells us that we need to confess our sins, it will not go away by itself. Go talk to your husband, he loves you, he cares for you, and he is there to work it through with you.And get professional help before it gets any worse.
11. I gave up looking at porn years ago for my wife so she felt safe. Now she reads lots of books that have erotic content and it makes me feel weird and like there is a double standard. How do I bring that up to her?
You are no longer a me but a we. Just as you were vulnerable and had that conversation with her about the pornography, do the same with her about her racy books and how it makes you feel. Share that your heart is to protect each other and the integrity of the marriage.
12. The kids are out of the house and my husband and I have different interests and friend groups. How do we figure out doing stuff together again and not just be roommates?
Intentionality! Sit down and talk about how you might blend your interests and or create new ones. Sharing concerns of not wanting to grow apart and the impact it could potentially make long-term, but maintaining a closeness.
13. My wife recently attended a Small Group and communicated that she was sexually abused as a teen. How do I best navigate that in our sex life now and best honor and protect her? I’m concerned she doesn’t like sex at all with me now. Not that she’s said that I’m just assuming.
First of all, don't assume, have the conversation. Have an open and honest conversation with a very loving and tender approach. This is a sensitive subject as it is for any person that has been molested. Patience is also key as you communicate in the bedroom and if a trigger arises, pause and talk about it if she is able in that moment. If not, ask her what you can do to comfort her at that moment. If this continues, I recommend professional counseling for healing.
14. My husband slightly picks on my weight because he’s recently started a workout routine and eating healthy. I can barely keep my head above water at work and with the kids. How in the world am I supposed to want to have sex with him after all that?
As a husband, understand that your voice has an incredible impact on your voice. You can make her or break her. You can encourage her or tear her down.
As a wife, share how deeply his words cut and wound you. Additionally, how you are barely keeping your head above water and doing your best.
Then together, work on a plan that might help you relieve some of the responsibilities and give you the same time that he has to work out.
15. I use a sex toy while my husband and I are making love to get some of my needs met. How do I explain to him that I don’t think any less of him as a man that I need/use it?
Self pleasuring can not compete to what our partner can do in the natural. Mens hand grip is stronger than a woman's anatomy and a tool is stronger than a mans. Tools and porn desensitize us and create a greater desire, taking away the ability we have been given with our bodies to pleasure each other with equal satisfaction, just different. To keep it spicy, get creative, communicate, read the book.
16. My wife and I don’t have a lot of sex because of our work schedules and the kids. Is it ok to masturbate when she’s not around?
When someone chooses matsturbation over their partner, it is a selfish act. Getting in a habit of self pleasuring and self satisfying ultimately takes care of that drive that otherwise would be satisfied with your wife. You are not only cheating her but you are cheating yourself and the relationship of a bonding closeness that is created when you are intimate. Find the time, make the time, schedule the time. You will be better, and so will your marriage.
You need counseling. Period.
This is a very complex situation that requires a lot of patience, forgiveness, and professional counseling. It takes complete commitment to the process from both parties working on the healing of the relationship. By going to professional counseling you are getting to the root of the issue where things went sideways.
Then and only then can true healing take place.
2. How do you find balance between one spouse having a lower sex drive than the other?
Examples:
a. Feeling awkward telling my wife or husband I want more sex.
b. My partner is expecting more sex, but I think we have it often enough.
Physically, go to the doctor and check for vitamin and hormone deficiencies. Ex. hormonal imbalances like testosterone and estrogen, possible thyroid issues, or vitamin deficiencies.
a. Push past the awkwardness and just have the conversation. You are already being intimate, you are just sharing your desire for more. Additionally, try flirting and coming on to your partner. Ex. steaming texts, flirty phone calls, wearing something they like. And of course, timing is always important.
b. When you are married you are no longer me but a we. Both parties need to be considered when having this discussion and both of you come up with something you can agree on. 3 C’s: communicate your needs, consider the other person, and compromise on a solution you both agree upon.
3. How do I express what I like and what I'm wanting in sex to my husband?
Rewarded behaviors get repeated. If it feels good, tell him. If you prefer something different, tell him. Clear communication in the bedroom is just as important as out of the bedroom. Have fun with it and then read the book, “Sexual Intimacy in Marriage.”
4. I struggle with low sex drive - here today gone for 2 or 3 weeks.. during those weeks of no sex drive my wife is very quick to accuse me of watching porn or pleasuring myself.. How can I communicate to her that she and our girls are what I live for?
First of all, go to the doctor and check for vitamin and hormone deficiencies. Ex. hormonal imbalances like testosterone and estrogen, possible thyroid issues, or vitamin deficiencies.
It is common for a wife, especially, to wonder why her husband doesn't want intimacy. With that said, if you are not pleasuring yourself or watching porn, you can only assure her with sincere genuineness that you are not. It is up to her to believe it or not. You might consider exploring different ways to spice up your sex life, this might help you both.
5. What is the best way to pursue my husband and us find time to have sex that doesn’t feel like checking a box after long days and dealing with kids?
First of all, it might actually be scheduled and just be okay with that. Because with a growing family, demands are high and you adjust accordingly. However, you can still keep it spicy by taking advantage of those impromptu moments, when they arise.
6. How can I best honor my wife when we are in public and there are women dressed in inappropriate clothes? I want her to feel like the most beautiful woman in the room.
Husband of the year award! Eyes down, pull her closer, pay her a compliment. This affirms to her that she is the most important person to you. This is applicable when you are watching a movie.
7. My wife is constantly comparing herself to other women on social media and then feels small and lesser than. Then assumes I don’t think she’s sexy and hot, because how could I when there’s all these other women that are “prettier.” How do I encourage her that I truly see her as the most gorgeous woman on the planet and she believe me?
Being that your voice is the loudest, most important, and impactful to her; find all of the ways to affirm to her when you find her sexy, attractive, beautiful, pretty, etc. (all the words) You might encourage her to get off social media and seek professional counseling to build up her self confidence and get to the root of her insecurities.
8. How do I get him to understand how important foreplay is for me?
Men are microwaves and women are ovens, we need to be preheated. Men are visual and have immediate stimulation. Women's anatomy must have foreplay in order for the blood supply to get her primed for intercourse, making it more pleasurable for you both. (lubricants can also help)
9. I know my husband is looking at inappropriate stuff on social media and I’m pretty sure porn. Our connection and sex life has been cold for years, and I’m miserable and feel unseen. What do I do next?
You have to address it head on by having the hard conversation. Call it what it is, share exactly what you shared in your question. If you want an honest answer and to work toward solution, approach it with love, no judgment, criticism or shaming statements. Because of the longevity of this issue, it is highly suggested to get professional counseling.
10. I watched some porn to get ideas of how to spice up the bedroom for my husband, and now I find myself watching it often when he’s at work. What do I do now?
First we have to recognize that “innocently looking for ideas” is the hook of the enemy and where the addiction begins. It is best to have that hard conversation with your husband because anything hidden in the dark will grow. The Word tells us that we need to confess our sins, it will not go away by itself. Go talk to your husband, he loves you, he cares for you, and he is there to work it through with you.And get professional help before it gets any worse.
11. I gave up looking at porn years ago for my wife so she felt safe. Now she reads lots of books that have erotic content and it makes me feel weird and like there is a double standard. How do I bring that up to her?
You are no longer a me but a we. Just as you were vulnerable and had that conversation with her about the pornography, do the same with her about her racy books and how it makes you feel. Share that your heart is to protect each other and the integrity of the marriage.
12. The kids are out of the house and my husband and I have different interests and friend groups. How do we figure out doing stuff together again and not just be roommates?
Intentionality! Sit down and talk about how you might blend your interests and or create new ones. Sharing concerns of not wanting to grow apart and the impact it could potentially make long-term, but maintaining a closeness.
13. My wife recently attended a Small Group and communicated that she was sexually abused as a teen. How do I best navigate that in our sex life now and best honor and protect her? I’m concerned she doesn’t like sex at all with me now. Not that she’s said that I’m just assuming.
First of all, don't assume, have the conversation. Have an open and honest conversation with a very loving and tender approach. This is a sensitive subject as it is for any person that has been molested. Patience is also key as you communicate in the bedroom and if a trigger arises, pause and talk about it if she is able in that moment. If not, ask her what you can do to comfort her at that moment. If this continues, I recommend professional counseling for healing.
14. My husband slightly picks on my weight because he’s recently started a workout routine and eating healthy. I can barely keep my head above water at work and with the kids. How in the world am I supposed to want to have sex with him after all that?
As a husband, understand that your voice has an incredible impact on your voice. You can make her or break her. You can encourage her or tear her down.
As a wife, share how deeply his words cut and wound you. Additionally, how you are barely keeping your head above water and doing your best.
Then together, work on a plan that might help you relieve some of the responsibilities and give you the same time that he has to work out.
15. I use a sex toy while my husband and I are making love to get some of my needs met. How do I explain to him that I don’t think any less of him as a man that I need/use it?
Self pleasuring can not compete to what our partner can do in the natural. Mens hand grip is stronger than a woman's anatomy and a tool is stronger than a mans. Tools and porn desensitize us and create a greater desire, taking away the ability we have been given with our bodies to pleasure each other with equal satisfaction, just different. To keep it spicy, get creative, communicate, read the book.
16. My wife and I don’t have a lot of sex because of our work schedules and the kids. Is it ok to masturbate when she’s not around?
When someone chooses matsturbation over their partner, it is a selfish act. Getting in a habit of self pleasuring and self satisfying ultimately takes care of that drive that otherwise would be satisfied with your wife. You are not only cheating her but you are cheating yourself and the relationship of a bonding closeness that is created when you are intimate. Find the time, make the time, schedule the time. You will be better, and so will your marriage.